So thanks to the Facebook's "memories" function that reminds me all the shitty and childish things I wrote over the past years. Some of them make me really beh tahan and I just deleted them whenever I saw them cause I really really felt shame just by seeing all those posts (well I know nobody gonna view back whatever I wrote few years ago...but...I just feel too paiseh by just viewing them)
Okay I was once an emo girl (I bet those who are close with me during my secondary school tasted my emo-ness) Whenever I felt sad or emo, I just wrote it out and posted on FB (I guess if I know someone who behave like this now I would have rolled my eyes for 360 degrees..hmm I don't know how to express it accurately or precisely in English but it means a feeling of irritation in Mandarin)
So like everyone else, I had my first puppy love...and I would like to skip all the details...and it ended "suckly". Not to mention anything bad about anyone, my emo-ness shot up dramatically after all.
I became more and more emo, I could not control my feelings and emotions well...to some extent... I cried whenever I entered to school...and my results dropped (well luckily I still managed to grab 9As in my SPM after that -- not saying result in the most important part in my life but that's a sign of I'm back to my track again)
I tried to focus on anything else but not things that remind me on the sad part of my secondary school life...I didn't want my emo-ness to conquer my life anymore! So I started to tell myself that...I wanna manage my own emotions...I don't want to be overwhelmed by negative feelings and I certainly don't want to be beaten down.
Of course things do not go easy at first... I met dabiii after that and things are going smooth these years. HOWEVER...
I'm still an emo girl (I didn't change much actually after that heart-breaking incident). We gone through lots of arguments...problems (especially LDR's problem..you know I'm one of the manja kid with insecure attachment style...so of course I will tend to be overthink whenever he's not around..things like that la)
So luckily (I'm a lucky girl of course), we mange to find our own way of communication, ways to solve problems... not to say we're the "perfect couple" but we certainly are trying our very best to be a better person for each other.
So...at this point in my life, I just want to reflect back on whatever that I have been gone through...
Well certainly I feel that it's what I met (people...friends....environment...) makes me what I am today. All the while, I really do believe that the surrounding people are playing a big big role in constructing us...cause people influence each other right? Like if you meet a gang of friends who don't give a f*** on school stuffs of course eventually (not saying totally) you will be influenced as well.
So I really thanks everyone who came in my life...just to inspire me and encourage me to be a better person... Seeing my friends who care for each others makes me feel like I wanna treat them as good as well...Seeing them treating me good makes me feel like I'm a person who's worth to be loved...
Although the environment thingy is important...I just want to say that the most difficult part is to dealing with the inner you.
It's very very hard to control whenever I feel like throwing temper especially to dabiii...It's very very hard to control myself to not to be overthink...It's really really hard...to control whatever it's inside me. Sometimes I failed, but the feeling of to be proud to myself is indescribable at time where I feel like emoing/throwing temper...but I manage to press it down!
What I learn over these years is that... it's not wrong to be faking to ourselves. Initially, I was just faking that I'm not angry or I'm just fine...The negative feelings are still there but I just pretend like I'm okay with it. And I really tried very hard to ignore them..YES, ignore whatever shits that happened and just focus on something else (well I watched Naruto...be frankly just do something else la, let ur life to be filled with something else). As time passes (well it does not mean you can do it like within 2 or 3 days time...it takes a really loooong time) that I finally used to it. I used to be more calmer whenever I meet things that tend to evoke my emo-ness.
So what I try to say is that, don't give up!!! You will know that it's worth trying after all. Never give up easily if you fail to control whatever you want to control, cause...
I'm still trying, and I will be keep on trying and trying
Cause it really feels good
to be someone that's in charge of own emotions, but not driven by them!
Jia you Jia you
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